As with any book, it is a living, breathing creature, and it's always changing. After submitting to some editor contests, and reading through my own work, I feel as though I put too much background information. So, in effect, I've rewritten the first three chapters to better reflect what readers demand these days.
AND I FEEL GREAT ABOUT IT!
Please read it and let me know what you think (Twitter DM or comment here) I would love to hear your feedback!
The Otherworld Series Book 1: I
Am Unbroken
A Novel By
Christian Smith
PART 1 -- LIFE
Chapter 1 – Turbulence
I choked against
the thick smoke filling the air.
Desperately
glancing left and right, the only thing I noticed was the sheer panic on the
other seven passengers in the tiny plane.
I was
going to die.
I willed my
eyelids shut, aware of a horrible noise filling the air. The smell of gasoline
and something burning made a pungent combination in my nose.
Muffled sobs came from a couple nearby that
had been holding hands a second ago. Shouting from one of the businessmen was
being directed at one of the flight attendants. And that annoying noise kept
ringing in my ears.
It was as
if someone had taken the fastest roller coaster in the world and placed it on
top of Mount Everest. My stomach felt as if it were sitting on the ceiling by
now. The plunging motion was sickening and exhilarating at the same time.
In my last
moments before I would completely black out, a million questions formed in my
mind…
Why had
I agreed to go on this stupid tiny plane my stepdad had arranged?
What would
it be like to die? Would I even notice it? Or was there nothing after?
Where was the pilot now if he was even
still alive? I should’ve known he would kill us, acting so weird before the
flight.
And what in the world was that stupid
noise?
And then it
hit me, right before I succumbed to the engulfing darkness. That noise was me.
Unaware I was screaming at the top of my lungs, my disembodied self finally
came to the realization. Fear had taken hold.
Another
loud crash as something mechanical failed and stole my nerves away.
More
screaming.
More
crying.
More
shouting.
The choking
had become unbearable. The steep motion was overwhelming now.
A wave of
something like relief and fear washed over me as the shouting, crying, and
screaming suddenly died down.
I would
die soon also.
I tried to
gasp one last breath out, but it was stifled. Rolling my eyes back into my
skull, darkness swallowed me whole.
The last
thing I could hear was one more deafening crash.
Then...
Nothing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A faint light danced in front of my face. I
would’ve reached out and grabbed it had I some kind of an arm to get it. It
felt like my consciousness had somehow continued living somewhere between life
and death. I just was. Time had no meaning – I could’ve been staring at
this thing for the past century and I would’ve had no idea.
Though the light was dim at first, it was
almost blinding now, even though I had no eyes to actually see the thing.
The light exploded in the darkness where I
now existed, only to be replaced suddenly by a figure - a girl in fact.
She must have been an angel, because she
was singly the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. In stark
contrast to the chaotic rush before the darkness, she stood calmly looking down
at me. Her skin was porcelain white, while her hair sat in tight, jet-black
ringlets on her head. Her eyes were the purest blue that could have been
created. Flowing white wisps surrounded her as her dress enveloped her body. On her face, she wore an expression of pity.
I tried to reach an arm up to her, but it
felt at the moment like I was just an observer, not an actor in the play. She
spoke, almost singing as she did so. Though she looked in my direction, it
didn’t seem like she was speaking to me, but to some invisible force.
It sounded like some kind of Latin to me.
“Sanetus.”
She repeated it over again, as she reached
out her gentle fingers. A glowing ball of light appeared at the tip of her
index finger, and she immediately placed it where my forehead should have been.
She spoke again, “You must not die Gavin
Ashmore…you are the one…I know it.”
I bolted up in what must have been a body
bag.
The only feedback you need is: writing is rewriting, yes. But you need to write the thing before you can rewrite it. You can't make what's not finished perfect. Don't worry about the first 3 chapters until you know how they affect the rest of the book--which I assume you haven't written--I could be wrong, in which case ignore me. It just sounds that way. Fastest roller coaster on Everest is silly--understandable, but silly. Also, love interests this soon? Doesn't go well for your character. Seems like he's going to be defined by love and the woman, essentially weakening him. An explosive start, but it's not a movie. Maybe just focus on hooking the audience with character instead of action--makes a book loveable in my view. I humbly assert, this is just an opinion you're best taking with a pinch of salt. I don't pretend to have all the solutions--just an opinion.
ReplyDeleteP.S hit me back at @danielslackDSU on Twitter if you want to chat. Rhyme.
ReplyDeleteSo far very good cannot wait to read the book Respect always from Oakland CA
ReplyDeleteI think I know where you are going with this story. I hope you've got it all worked out what is going to happen next. It has got me intrigued and I would have liked for there to be another chapter to get my teeth into. I've just published my novel which I found easy to write as it's based on a true story of myself. Like you, I've just begun another novel which is entirely different to my last one; really got to put my brains into gear as I plot what is going to happen next. What I'm trying to say, is if you know where you are going with your book, don't worry about the editing, that can come later; just get on with the story. When you've finished, read it like an editor, then, after all the adjustments, read it like a reader. Good luck and let us know when it's published. www.laurarosek.com
ReplyDeleteGood first line.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see the first idea to compare. I like some of the lines and the description of the realization of the screaming as the "noise" is quite good. Where the finger is placed where "my forehead should have been" is an odd phrase since you mention his face earlier while he's in the body bag
Very intriguing chapter. I would maybe start before the crash. Make us care about the character before you put him into danger. What does he do for a living, is he married with kids or single, where is he going, etc.? Also, what is the setting - is this a futuristic world or the current world? I doesn't need to be much. He could have a phone conversation with someone before he boards, think about his destination, etc. Also give us a hint about what the "angel" means. Does she mean "he's the one" as in her soulmate or is he like the chosen one, to end a war or something? Does he believe in life after death or is he an atheist? It's good to leave unanswered questions but we also need a hint about who it is we're going to follow through the story and what the story is about.
ReplyDeleteI love it. I loved the way you started with action, because immediately we are asking: how did the main character get here? We want to read on, so we can find out. I loved the way you used the phrase 'Where my forehead should have been' to describe how your character feels like they are just consciousness at one point, not an actual person. Overall I liked it a lot. I'd love to read more. :)
ReplyDeleteI would continue reading if I had the whole book. I think you could do some changes to the waking scene. Things seem to be happening too fast. Keep the audience guessing a bit longer. It's like date in a way. Spending time together. You want the audience to spend time in your world not categorize your book too fast. Try not to force the plot development.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! Wish I was writing a book.
Anders Nyggard
I like your writing . I agree with a comment above about "body bag" and "where my forehead used to be", it sounds somehow way out of place. Also I would I liked to read about the plane crash and background more, and put the afterlife thing in an entire new chapter. You did hook me to want to read more of the story. I'm not a writer or author so take my comments just as a reader:)
ReplyDeleteExcellent opener that raises many tantalizing questions. I'm curious to know what part the "weird" pilot played in the crash. I love the fact that you doled out just enough information to entice the reader on.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
Christian, you did an excellent job at hooking me in this first chapter. I have to know what led up to this? How was the pilot acting strange? What happens next? My only advice/criticism would be to cut the bit about the pilot acting weird unless you plan to explain later. I can't wait to read the rest! www.sidneyawood.com
ReplyDeleteSome things need to be told, i.e. the internal dialogue, but be shown the choking, the desperate glancing, the panic of the other passengers.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. Good to start in the middle of the action. I have some picky drafting comments:
ReplyDelete-"something burning" - change to, "burning plastic" [more precise]
- I would cut this sentence. "It was as if someone had taken the fastest roller coaster in the world and placed it on top of Mount Everest." [It reads fine without it.]
- I would cut these words, "my stepdad had arranged". [This is information for the reader rather than part of a plausible thought he would have. He wouldn't need to tell himself that.]
Hope this helps.
Craig Snow @Author_C_Snow
The story sounds very interesting. I want to know why Gavin is in the plane and who is the girl. Besides that does she mean by "the one", is he supposed to save the world?
ReplyDeleteLike Daniel wrote, if you haven't finished writing, do that first. One chapter by itself may be great, but if it doesn't fit with the rest of the book it may leave readers confused. I also agree with Craig's comments.
Let me know when it's finished. Twitter: @NKarkael, email:natomi@natomikarkael.net
A good start. I like most of the advice given, even though some of it is conflicting. Not everything is going to be loved by everyone. The point is: it got people thinking and debating. It has hooked each reader, which is the main purpose of an opening scene. I assume the angel is talking about a higher purpose. I also like the questions rolling through his head as he dies. I will have to look up the Latin word. If there is a purpose to the word, leave it, but if there is not, take it out because already it has broken the fictive dream for me. I am wondering too much about what it means. Leave the roller-coaster for now until a better analogy comes to you. And DO let us know when the book is finished. Good luck!
ReplyDelete@haskinauthor
Would you like to rewrite your opening sentence? The rest is great.
ReplyDeletewww.lakshmirajsharma.in
Hey Christian,
ReplyDeleteI understand what's happening but it's a little over descriptive - especially for YA. Get on with it. Sometimes simpler is better.
I'm going to guess someone told you to "show not tell", but I feel like you've lost what is actually happening in the story by trying to hard to make us "feel". I haven't read your previous version, but I would suspect somewhere in between is the sweet spot.
I also wonder if literally starting with a "plane crash" is a good idea. We don't know your character yet..so we can't feel bad for him. Perhaps make this chchapter two and tell us about him arriving at the airport..his trepidation and why he's on that plane. Let us get to know him a bit.
Just some thoughts...it's always a dangerous ask - to seek advice, as you now have to figure out why you agree with and what to ignore...and that is the trick.
Good luck with it.
Chris Billingsley