UPDATED! A New Hope, A New Query Letter...

After posting my query letter, I received some comments that it may be pushing it in terms of length and amount of paragraphs, probably a borderline synopsis if anything. Thank you for the feedback!!!

With that, I decided to put my thinking cap on and consolidate things a little more. Overall I think we have a pretty good outcome - not too long, not too short, just "Goldilocks" sweet!

Please let me know what you think! I appreciated the comments last time.

Dear AGENT XXXXX:

  First of all, I wanted to thank you in advance for your hard work and the time you put in for aspiring authors, despite having an incredibly busy schedule.  On your bio, you have said you are seeking XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, and for those reasons I feel my manuscript would be a terrific fit for your representation!  I am Unbroken is a YA fiction, most relevant to the paranormal fantasy genre. It currently totals 96,000 words. Those readers enjoying such titles as Alice in Zombieland or The Vampire Diaries will readily identify with its style of writing. 

    Sixteen-year-old Gavin Ashmore had always suspected his family was different, maybe even insane to the point of hearing voices and seeing “ghosts.”  But lifelong loner Gavin doesn’t believe, won’t believe any of it. All of that begins to change after the plane crash however. Gavin begins to see and hear things, just like his family he thought was so crazy.  Because of that ability, he learns that an ancient spirit named Cain has been searching for Gavin, and now that he turned sixteen, Gavin becomes vulnerable to Cain. Gavin learns he is one of many in a long line of Ashmore's that has received the title of Unbroken, the curse bearers. This curse is what keeps Cain stuck between the living and dead worlds, thus imprisoning him in a nearly impenetrable cell.  As with anything, there is still one provision to break Cain free, and that lies within the very heart of Gavin Ashmore.

   To survive, Gavin must learn to fight Cain. He can only do it with the help of his own guardian angel, Alina, a beautiful dark-haired Italian teen who lived centuries ago. As he trains however, Gavin learns he has his own unique ability to manipulate spirits, a talent only one other in history has possessed - Cain. Gavin himself must decide if he will destroy Cain or take his place as one of the most powerful beings on the planet. 

    In trade, I am a dentist, but my heart has always been in writing. I have published several articles in various dental journals, and have even won scholarships by writing essays. I also maintain a blog called “Christian Quits His Day Job,” which describes my process as a writer. However, I am seeking to do more with my passion of writing, and so I turn to you for your help to make this dream come true.

   Thank you so much for your time, which I know is precious. While I have included a sample of the first 5 pages, a partial or full manuscript is ready at your request.